


and i loved him.

by calrissianns



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Gen, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mentions of Kiliel, Modern AU, Songfic, based off of the lana del rey monologue, goes along with canon in some aspects?, implied bombing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 00:29:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21347308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calrissianns/pseuds/calrissianns
Summary: A letter in the dark. A man who had everything. And the one he left behind.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Thorin Oakenshield, Kíli (Tolkien)/Tauriel (Hobbit Movies)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	and i loved him.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm back with another bagginshield fic- as I guess I'm more drawn to writing them. I'd like to thank the lovely @thejollymilano for continuously encouraging me, laughing at my jokes, and having facetime calls with me when I'm down. I love you 3000.
> 
> Warning: as this contains modern interpretations of canon events, there is heavy violence towards the end.

His fingers grace the paper as the candle flickers, a small light in the utter darkness around him. The ink of the quill caked his hands, tears from his eyes smeared on the page. 

_ And I remember when I met him, it was so clear that _

_ He was the only one for me _

The ballroom had been covered in gold that day, not particularly the substance itself, but rather the beautiful color of the ground, the chandelier of the roof. He remembered feeling unprepared, inferior, as Thorin led him inside the room. 

_ We both knew it, right away _

Bilbo remembers how his knees shook in his presence the first day they met, at such a beautiful man showing up in front of him, taking his heart beyond what he was prepared for.

_ And as the years went on, things got more difficult _

_ We were faced with more challenges _

The news was on when Bilbo heard the glass break in the living room, when he came into the room to see Thorin standing over shattered glass, the remainders of a gift from a friend, as on the screen, _ Thrain Oakenshield found dead _. How he comforted him that night. How angry Thorin got when his father came to visit, his father who never paid him any mind and barely showed more emotion than a soup spoon. 

_ I begged him to stay _

Thorin never came home anymore, and Bilbo always felt helpless. He was out, he knew, probably at work and then at the casino, gaining more hours, more money. The instincts that would ring in Thorin’s head when he heard the bells and saw the lights that had stolen his mind, stolen Bilbo’s love away from him.

_ Try to remember what we had at the beginning _

Laying in the empty bed he remembered the first time they were there together, the first time they said their I love yous and watched TV and loved each other. When he had a kind heart.

_ He was charismatic, magnetic, electric and everybody knew it _

How could he be surprised that a man such as him could not settle down so easily? So wealthy, so attractive, with all the qualities of a natural born leader. 

_ When he walked in every woman's head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him _

Among the gold stood beautiful women clothed in cocktail dresses, unlinking their arms from their own husbands’ and going up to ask Thorin the secret to success, about his father, the company he would soon inherit. 

_ He was like this hybrid, this mix of a man who couldn't contain himself _

He remembered Thorin leaving the room that night with Bilbo’s arm in his, smirking as the press soon followed, and Bilbo said nothing, did not object, because how could a man of such prowess and power not pick a beautiful woman but pick a sad, failed male author? But Thorin loved it, thrived on the adventure and the controversy, and Bilbo had no choice, no choice at all but to follow. 

_ I always got the sense that he became torn _

Late nights, empty beds, the sound of heavy breathing in the next room.

_ Between being a good person and _

He remembers the kindness Thorin showed to his employees, his brothers, his nephews, how he acted like a king on earth who was kind and fair. He was gentle with Bilbo, and though he had fits of anger, he was never evil, never abusive, never anything less than one who tried to be good.

_ Missing out on all of the opportunities _

He knew often that his heart was elsewhere, away from home, even when he and Bilbo would lay on the couch or eat dinner.

_ That life could offer a man as magnificent as him _

_ And in that way I understood him _

Thorin deserves better, he would think to himself. Better than an ordinary flat and mornings of newspapers and the smells of books. No, that man deserved a _ kingdom _.

_ And I loved him _

It was unexpected, he thinks, as he stood in that beautiful gold room. He should’ve saw the pale man with the scar on his face, a bag on his shoulder.

_ I loved him _

He remembers turning to Thorin, whose long hair reflected in the lights, his eyes shining as he talked to the person in front of him. _ I’m being paranoid _ , he thinks to himself. But he wasn’t, as the dreadful _ BANG! _rang out.

_ I loved him _

He recalls crawling through the rubble, seeing the still bodies. One of Thorin’s nephew as a beautiful woman with red locks bent over him. Black tears crossed her face, the most horrible wail Bilbo had ever heard. He kept looking, and soon he found him.

_ I loved him _

His beautiful face was caked in blood, his blue eyes still open. He smiled when he saw Bilbo, as he bent next to him. He murmured _ I’m sorrys _, holding his hand. “Thank you for showing me home,” he whispered. And how Bilbo screamed, screaming like nothing or no one else on the Earth existed.

He had to be dragged away from the body and taken to his house. He did not eat, did not sleep. 

_ And I still love him _

Bilbo closes the book with a sigh, the sound of his nephew and his friend’s laughter filling the house. He puts the book aside, in a small box, and pulling out a frame, a picture of him and Thorin, surrounded by trees. A smile on both their faces, smiles of those who kept their excitement. The smiles that came before the horrible, aching storm. He looks at the frame every night, to remind himself. Because after all this, he still loves him.

_ La fin. _


End file.
